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11th Grade

JOKES

Laughter Yoga

Enjoy!

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Joke 1:    My Love

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love", "Darling",  Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

"Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name."

 

Joke 2:  A Soldier Overseas gets a Letter from his Girlfriend

 

A soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...........

 

"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

 

Joke 3:  Grandma's home

 

A 6 year old boy was asked where his grandma lived.

"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Joke 4: Wedding

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. . .He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

Joke 5: ID Ten T Error

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.

Rick clicked a couple of buttons, solved the problem and gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote.. ID10T "

 

Joke 6

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Joke 7
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." 

Joke 8
Ralph Klein was cleaning his office, when he found a lamp. He then rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie said, "You have three wishes that I will grant you." He first wishes for a cold can of beer. Poof!! A can of beer appears. He then wishes that he could be on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women.Poof!! He was on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women. Then he thought, wow this is great! He then wishes he never has to work again.

Poof!! He's back in his office.

Joke 9
Three miners were trapped in a mine after an explosion. They had been there for three days when a genie appeared and gave them each one wish.

The first miner said, "Well I know what I want. I want out of here." And zap he was gone.

The second miner said he wanted the same.

The third miner wasn't too sure and he wanted to think about this for a while. After thinking for a long time he said to himself, "It's getting quite lonely down here. I wish the other two were here."

Joke 10

Taxing Flag
 
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Joke 11
How did Britney Spears cross the road?
With a magic marker

Joke 12
A couple sits in a restaurant, eating dinner. Suddenly the wife notices one of her ex-boyfriends sitting at the bar, drinking.
She turns to her husband and says, “Do you see this man by the bar? 
He was my boyfriend and I’m told that he has been drinking since I left him, 10 years ago!”
Her husband replies: “You are wrong, dear, he is still celebrating the event!” 

Joke 13
The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.

One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
 
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
 
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family."
 
Joke 14
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.  

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."  

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"  

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Joke 15

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Joke 16

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Joke 17
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Joke 18
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, we used night clubs."

Joke 19
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Joke 20
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Joke 21
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce!"
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Joke 22
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Joke 23
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Joke 24
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Joke 25
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

Joke 26
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years,

and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone,in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical
fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than
the Russians."

One week later,the Israeli newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Israeli scientists have
found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."

Joke 27
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman:   Is there a problem, officer?
Officer:   Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman:   Oh, I see.
Officer:   Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer:   Don't have one?
Older Woman:   Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer:   I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.
Older Woman:   I can't do that.
Officer:   Why not?
Older Woman:   I stole this car.
Officer:   Stole it?
Older Woman:   Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer:   You what?
Older Woman:   His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

The senior officer/Inspector slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Inspector:   Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman:   Is there a problem sir?
Inspector:   My officer told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman:   Murdered the owner?
Inspector:   Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Inspector:   Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman:   Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2:   My officer claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Inspector:   Thank you ma'am. My officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman:   I bet he also told you that I was speeding.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies!

Joke 28

Irish friends
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks:
"Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

(Contributed by Shy Goldstein)

Joke 29

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, '
Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, '
Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond opened his lunch and said, '
Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.




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Poetry is a mirror which makes beautiful that which is distorted
 ~Percy Shelley, A Defence of Poetry, 1821
R. M. Hutchins