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Jokes
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Joke 1: My Love
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time
the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love", "Darling", Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to
keep saying those little pet names."
"Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name."
Joke 2: A Soldier
Overseas gets a Letter from his Girlfriend
A soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote
breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that
he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...........
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Joke 3: Grandma's home
A 6 year old boy was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then
when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Joke 4: Wedding
A
police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can
explain."
"Just
be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But,
officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And
I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A
few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
. .He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't
count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Joke
5: ID Ten T Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.
Rick clicked a couple of buttons, solved the problem and gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think
you'll figure it out." So I wrote.. ID10T "
Joke 6
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave
a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried
to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning,
his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he
said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Joke 7
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the
engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks
on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference,
the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going
to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they
board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Joke 8
Ralph Klein
was cleaning his office, when he found a lamp. He then rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie said, "You have three wishes
that I will grant you." He first wishes for a cold can of beer. Poof!! A can of beer appears. He then wishes that he could
be on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women.Poof!! He was on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women. Then he thought, wow this is great!
He then wishes he never has to work again.
Poof!! He's back in his office.
Joke 9
Three
miners were trapped in a mine after an explosion. They had been there for three days when a genie appeared and gave them each
one wish.
The first miner said, "Well I know what I want. I want out of here." And
zap he was gone.
The second miner said he wanted the same.
The third miner wasn't too sure and he wanted to think about this for a while. After
thinking for a long time he said to himself, "It's getting quite lonely down here. I wish the other two were here."
Joke 10
What's the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.
Joke 11
How did Britney Spears cross the road?
With
a magic marker
Joke 12
A couple sits in a restaurant, eating dinner.
Suddenly the wife notices one of her ex-boyfriends sitting at the bar, drinking.
She turns to her husband
and says, “Do you see this man by the bar?
He
was my boyfriend and I’m told that he has been drinking since I left him, 10 years ago!”
Her husband replies: “You are wrong, dear, he is still celebrating the event!”
Joke
13
The sheriff of a small town in the South
was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the
synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule.
I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary
to first get in touch with their immediate family."
Joke
14
A couple
was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night
light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived andthe couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"
The
cabdriver hit a parked car...
Joke 15
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped
by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary
sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion,
gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Joke 16
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for
you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
Joke 17
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all
your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:
It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Joke 18
Wife to husband: "What's your
excuse for coming home at this timeof the night?"
Husband
to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Joke 19
A newly married
man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
Joke 20
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Joke 21
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He
was the original owner."
Joke 22
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans,"
said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Joke 23
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as
amillionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to
my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she m! ust be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Joke 24
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Joke 25
A wife
asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Joke
26
After digging to a depth of
100 metres last
year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back
1000 years,
and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a
telephone
network one thousand years ago.
So,
not to be outdone,in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines
in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical
fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than
the Russians."
One week later,the Israeli newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000
metres, Israeli scientists have
found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.
Joke 27
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you
were speeding.
Older Woman:
Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license
please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer:
Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer:
I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer:
Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
The senior officer/Inspector slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Inspector: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Inspector: My officer told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Inspector: Yes, could you
please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Inspector:
Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My officer claims that you do not have a driving license.
The
woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Inspector: Thank you ma'am. My officer told me you didn't have a license, that you
stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: I bet he also told you that
I was speeding.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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